The Truth About Growing Up Today

What if the next generation isn't as fragile as we think...what if they're carrying burdens we never had to?

This week on Brains Gone Bold, Maria and Jeanine sit down with Jeanine's 19-year-old niece, Katie, for a conversation that neither of us expected to be quite so eye-opening.

We asked her what it's really like to grow up in a world where your life is always online, everyone has an opinion, and comparison never seems to take a day off. What followed wasn't a lecture about Gen Z, it was an honest conversation about pressure, loneliness, identity, relationships, and what young adults wish the rest of us understood.

One thing Katie said that really sunk in:

"Sometimes I don't need you to fix it. I just need you to hear me."

That simple sentence changed the direction of the conversation.

We talked about social media, dating, body image, confidence, friendships, and the constant pressure to have everything figured out. Along the way, Katie challenged a few assumptions we didn't even realize we were making.

This episode isn't about deciding which generation has it harder.

It's about what becomes possible when we stop comparing experiences long enough to truly listen to one another.

Whether you're raising teenagers, mentoring young adults, or just trying to make sense of the world they're growing up in, we think this conversation will leave you with a little more understanding, and maybe even a little more hope.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Brain's Gone Bold. We're happy to have you here with us. We are also very happy to have a very special guest here with us as well today.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I am the special guest. Yes, you are. Just kidding. We have my niece Caitlin here with us today. You've certainly heard me talk about her from time to time. And so she has honored and graced us with her presence today. We have what we think is a pretty fun topic that I also think is super, super useful, particularly for old people like me, to maybe have more of an understanding of the minds of it's okay to say you're aged, a 19-year-old. Caitlin has just finished her first year at FSU FAU, so sorry. FAU, we are super, super proud of her. She did so well. She joined a sorority. She has been certainly living her best life, which sometimes makes her aunt cringe a bit. It's fine. However, she's definitely having a lot of fun and certainly more fun than I'm having. So Caitlin so much. Yes, way for being part of this conversation today. I'm happy to be here.

SPEAKER_02 1:06

I'm definitely happy to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Awesome. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

So Janine and I were talking, and we got to this conversation with you because one of my other trips to Jacksonville, uh, we started talking about what it would look like to have different guests on the show and uh knowing your personality and your sparkly. Pretty easygoing. I said, what would it look like for Caitlin to be on? Would she be interested in that? She was like, I think she would. And so we were happy that, you know, this recording is when you're back from school and we can make it happen. And as we were thinking through, you know, if you were to come on the podcast, what will we talk to you about? Um, you know, I also I have a 17-year-old son. So you're a little bit older than him by not so much. And I remember it was probably a few years ago, and he made the comment to me that I don't know what it's like to grow up today because things are different than when I was growing up. And when he first made that comment, I actually felt a little defensive. I felt like, um, and I think the way I responded is that yes, some things are different, but some things are still the same, you know? And this was in context to what he might be dealing with at school with other kids and that sort of thing. But then the more I thought about it and the more time that has passed, I see more what he might have been talking about. And so when we were discussing what we could talk with you about, it was what is it actually like to be a young adult these days that that folks of our age don't understand? And what would you, what do you wish we understood about what you deal with in the day-to-day, whether that be uh school or relationships or work or whatever the topic is. Any and all of the above.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

Well, it's definitely a loaded question. Yeah. Because especially there's just so many things I've had to navigate and figure out on my own. Um, because it is so different. So I don't have, you know, the same advice that I would get from somebody who grew up in the time that I did and could give me that advice.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Um can I can I pause you for what in your view is so different that creates that gap?

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Can you say that you know it's different? So that's a good question.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

Um that was actually a good note there. Um I think just seeing the way especially my generation has developed and grows into adults now versus how you know they're not think. Exactly. I think uh, like, for example, you or my mom or my dad has grown into and who they are as adults and the experience that they share with me. Um, obviously there are similar experiences, but very, very different, especially in the world of just like new development and electronics. Like the internet is something that is just um has just gone on a rampage and it changes so many things. Especially, I feel like when you see um just like when you get internet access too early, I think that changes developmental ages for people.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Do you remember how old you were when you got internet access or when you got uh a smartphone? I do. I do because it's the same age for everyone. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

So there was a rule. Yes. So I was in sixth grade, and it was because I was taking the bus to school and it was to middle school. Um, and it was a new school and everything. Obviously, I'd taken the bus in elementary school too, but that was the age where they were like, okay, well, we want to know when you get home. And so that's when I got my little SCI phone. And um I loved my phone so much. Still does. Still do. I mean, I think many kids my age, that's something we all share in common. Yes. Um, I just think that was a changing point for me. And I think that's when maturity starts to speed up the second you get internet access and more so social media, because I wasn't allowed to have social media until a lot later. But that's really when things pick up because you get to see things that I don't think you would normally see just growing up without it. And you're exposed to so many new things.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Do you define that? I'm curious, is that maturity or is that is that is that loss of innocence? Or are they the same thing?

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Definitely not the same thing in my opinion. Um, but I would say it is a mix of both. I feel like depending on what side of the internet you get to see, it can be a loss of innocence or it can be maturing because you're getting to talk to so many new people and understand new perspectives that, you know, I was able to talk to people who live, you know, 12 hours away that I wouldn't normally get to have contact with and understand how their experiences were different and how that influenced my experiences.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

I think, you know, to your point, it it can be both, obviously, depending on whatever. But the I think the interesting thing that the that you've just pointed out that I was like, oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. The perspective. So you think of people who are raised in a home that's pretty tight-lipped, they don't talk about, I'm gonna say taboo topics. Maybe they don't talk about religion or politics, or maybe they do, and that's all they talk about, and they have one side view. And so you grow up with that. But if you have access to social media or what the internet, then you can see, oh wait, there's other ways to look at this same. And so I I love that you brought that up. I think it makes a lot of sense.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

And that's also like that adds into a lot of making your own opinion because you're not hearing it only from the people that you know and the people that you trust, but now you're hearing it from other sources. So you can form your own opinion. And I think that's really important as well. For sure.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Do you feel that it that is so interesting to me because I'm curious to know if it allowed you to form your own opinion or to be more influenced by others' opinions?

SPEAKER_02 7:17

Um, again, I think that's a dual-edged sword because I mean, obviously, the people who I've already, you know, made a relationship with and trust those people, I'm gonna trust the words that's coming out of their mouth, but to be able to go to a second, third, fourth source and be like, well, how do I really feel about this with the other information that I'm now able to see? So I feel like that changes things. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:45

I would say so. Katie is really, and and I love this about her, and I'm so proud of her for it, she's very strong-minded. And so while, and she's also open-minded. And so while I see her um, I'm gonna say the foundational and formational opinions really being her own, they are certainly influenced in really good ways, but then she makes her own. The one thing that I see that social media has influenced is the look. A lot of the girls her age have similar looks, you know, and this is not disparaging because I I think they're all so beautiful, but you know, the eyelashes, the middle parts, the certain styles, but I think that's pretty common. You think of the 50s and everybody wearing like the duck hair and all that kind of stuff, but the duck duck lips, we were talking about in the different podcasts that people are always doing this, or the peace sign, right? That's something that's learned and then everybody's doing it, you know. And so those are the things that kind of like I've said it before, and I'm gonna say it again. I'm so glad that cell phones, smartphones, whatever was not a thing when I was a kid. Because as much as you think the things are different, holy cow, I don't want some of the things that I did to be captured on film.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

No, I definitely and onto that, like when I go out in public, and because there's so many things being filmed that wouldn't normally be recorded, like every time I go out in college or something like that, especially the area that I'm around, there's people who are streaming and always recording. And it's like you have to present yourself a certain way because when you're living in your sorority too. Exactly. And I'm always wearing my letters, and I also just feel more strongly about myself and what I want the world to see of me. And um, I think that's really tough when there's moments you're caught off guard or something where it's like, I never wish this was able to happen. And in that aspect, you know, I feel really strongly about how I wish I didn't grow up with that. But I know there's so many positives to it that it's kind of you just gotta take it with a grain of salt.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So do you feel like you always have to be on? I do. I do, and I hate that. You can't ever let your guard down because if you do, someone will catch you at the wrong time and it will blow up into something that you didn't wish for.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

Yeah. I think also like my generation is very heavily guarded. And um the second, yeah, but because I see it as so transparent. I love hearing this. But the second that somebody does let their guard down, it's either they're canceled, they're they have bad opinions, or oh, this is a new person who is going to be the leader of, you know, this, these kids, these ideas. And so I think it's it's very hot and cold. It's very black and white because it's either your opinion is wrong or your opinion is right. And now you have a herd of people following you.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

That is, I would have never thought that, Katie, because I honestly I look at, you know, it kind of like everybody is so, it seems like everybody's so open with everything they've got going on from here's what I've eaten today to. I mean, this is gonna sound crude, like this is what my poop looks like today. Like you see all of it. Yeah, but it sounds like what you're saying is it's all for show. It is that there's oh, I don't like that.

SPEAKER_02 11:05

Especially, especially where I am, I see this these things firsthand because I see people, uh, people I know who have a large following and will post certain things, and but I get to know the real them. And I'm like, yeah, that's not you, but I feel like everybody would love the real you regardless. Yeah. I don't think you need to make this effort to make people think you are the same as everybody else because you're not, and that's what's special about you. But again, with that, like that also puts pressure onto other girls and other women, especially looks-wise, going back to what you said. Yeah, that is one of the biggest influential things that I think social media has done to me. And I I don't love it. I I like the way I look, and um, but it just puts a lot of pressure, and especially on the way that society looks for you when you do decide, oh, I'm gonna post this, oh, I'm gonna go out looking like this. It's just a lot of pressure, and I don't think it should be as much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Um That's tough. Yeah, it really, it really is. What do you think the answer is to not allowing that pressure to get to you? And do you know any kids, your I'm sorry to use the word kids, young adults who have made the decision to not participate?

SPEAKER_02 12:20

Ah, that's hard because I really think it takes going through the tribulations of being like, oh, I I hate the way I look. Oh, everybody looks this way. I'm gonna start to look this way to realize you know, you don't need to uphold those standards. And you just have to feel yourself, but that's harder for some people than it is others, especially speaking personally. Like that has been a really big challenge for me, especially throughout high school and college, about the way that I look, the way that I present myself, just physically. Um, and so seeing girls who act like they don't care and will like project themselves in a way where it's like, oh, I this is so body positivity and everything. But then again, I know that those thoughts are there because how could they not be?

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Well, you look at people like I'm gonna use Lizzo as an example. And so Lizzo, do you know who Lizzo is? No. So Lizzo is a singer, I don't know how popular she is now, but she had some really popular songs out there, and she is a plus size woman. She's still a plus size woman, but she was much larger at some point and would talk about being the size that she was and she was embracing body positivity, this is who she is, and blah, blah, blah. But then lost a ton of weight and is still talking about body positivity, but then became this joke because if you're so body positive, right? Now you've lost this weight, why did you lose this weight? Right. And so that social media that is constantly the spotlight that's a very good thing. There's no right answer. There is like you can't win. Whatever you want. And so body positivity, to your point, is just feeling comfortable. You know, I talk about with my Vidal Lego loving the skin that I'm in. And does that mean I don't want it to change? Some days I wish, you know, it wasn't a thing, but I have to embrace what I am and who I am. And so when do you get or how do you get there? You said you have to kind of go through it.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

Um I know I'm still, yeah, I'm still a hundred percent working on it because I I think I struggle every day when I look in the mirror. Cause some days, you know, you wake up and you look in the mirror and you're like, okay, like I'm I feel confident with the way I look and going outside, but then it's just other days you wake up and you look at yourself and it's entirely different. Yeah. It's like I'm the person I've ever seen, you know? Yeah. And um, yeah, but it's just really persevering through those thoughts and being like, well, if I thought I looked this way one day, what is changing my perspective so much today? And what can I do to make me not feel this way? Whether that's putting makeup on or I mean, I love makeup and but I also love my natural face. Yes, I love being girly. And I didn't used to be like that because I grew up around my brothers and um they were a really big influence on me. So I used to be a little bit of a tomboy, but I really grew into like my feminine side, and I'm really happy about that.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

Yeah. Yeah. Um, so uh the second part of the question around do you know anyone who just chooses not to I use the word participate in social media and that sort of thing? And what impact would that have or does that have on their social life? And I've definitely met people.

SPEAKER_02 15:28

Yeah. Not as many people in my social circle that I would say don't participate necessarily. There's obviously levels to it. But when I meet people who are a hundred percent like committed to not participating in it, they come off as very um introverted and very sheltered. Like they don't know how to speak with people or they don't know how to converse with people and be able to uphold friendships or relationships. Um, just my personal experience with, you know, somebody or some people. But then also you look at people who are so deep into the social media and everything like that that they act the same exact way. So it's two ends of the spectrum that end up in the same outcome.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

Yes. You hear a lot in the news about the impacts of constantly having, you know, a phone and constantly being connected. And that some people, and I'm not going to speak about it in generations, instead, you know, some people who are using their phone for their sole source of social interaction have that awkwardness because they don't know how to maintain eye contact when they're speaking to somebody. It becomes very uncomfortable. And so if they don't have something that can distract and keep their attention in a different way, then to your point, it's the spectrum. So you've got people who don't use social media at all because they don't want the interaction and so they are closed off. And then other people who use it all the time who want the interaction but want something in between them and humans. So it's a it's a really good point. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

So if we may go back for a second, I'm interested because we we started out with a broad topic and then we got into really electronics and social media as being a key part that's changed in generations, which of course we all knew. Um is there anything that you can speak to about the struggles that you have? So or the things that you deal with that again, you wish you wish we could understand better?

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Yeah, I think um I think definitely just having that different perspective as in growing up is hard because the outlets that you have to talk to people, it's not the same. Like, especially I can remember talking to my mom about certain things. And she just she doesn't understand the full extent because it's so much more pressure, in my opinion now. And when I go to speak about it or finally let somebody know this is how I'm feeling, it's it's not as serious as you think it is. But in in our world or in my world, I can only speak for myself, it it does feel like the world is crashing down, and I think that's really hard. But having strong women figures in your life, I think is so important because I'm surrounded by tons of strong female uh women in my life. And name them. I'm just saying one on my right, one on my left. Um but definitely being able to have those outlets and somebody who will be a hundred percent open to listen and not to respond. I think that's a really big problem now is everybody's fighting for a response and they're not really listening. And so that's hard because it's like, oh, I hear you, but do you?

SPEAKER_03 18:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Because the what I'm going through, you you don't understand. And I'm trying to help you understand my perspective for sympathy, maybe. I don't know if it's sympathy or for understanding because I don't know if anybody can really understand each personal struggle because everybody experiences it differently.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Or is it just to be seen, you know? Just like here's here's what I'm going through. I just want you to see and recognize that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

I think that's a huge part. And I think also that's why so much of like social media, everybody wants to feel seen. And so they post certain things, but they want to feel seen in a way that is not really seeing them. Right. Like likes and shares and all of that, you know, get as validation. Yeah. It's acceptance. I mean, I know. I I want the acceptance too from people I don't know. I mean, it's important to me, and I don't think it should hold as much value as it does. Yeah. Yeah. But I get it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

Yeah. I will say, I mean, uh, we talk a lot about Instagram and TikTok and those types of platforms, but you were talking about knowing people behind the scenes and knowing the real them that they're not portraying. I actually have seen that on LinkedIn as well, which you would kind of expect in a way to be a little bit different. I don't know why I'm thinking that, but uh, there are people on a business networking platform that will portray something that is completely different than who they really are or what their real circumstance is. And I find myself doing the same thing where it's like, that isn't even true. Why are you doing this? What is the point in this? You know, it's just creating what is such a point. It's creating such a fake world. It is.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

And I mean, you and I talk all the time about authenticity and how important it is. And it's certainly important to both of us to be as authentic as we can be. And so in your mind, you know, when I see business people doing it in a business platform like LinkedIn, I immediately think they're trying to not only be somebody that they're not, but they're doing it, their purpose is because they are, they either want more business or they want people to think some kind of thing about them, that they're either smarter than they really are, or whatever it is. And so from a I'm gonna call it a youth standpoint or a young adult standpoint, what's the end goal then? Is it just that validation or being seen, or do you think there's something bigger?

SPEAKER_02 21:16

Um, I think, again, there's more than one part to it because I do think obviously it is about feeling seam, but in a business perspective, how I would see it is maybe they want to that's genuinely how they see themselves or how they want to see themselves. So that's what they perceive. Even that's what they want people to perceive, even if it's fake, that's so smart that they want to see themselves. Yeah, that's that's who they want to be. So that's what they're gonna post. And even if it comes down to it and that's not them, that's what the internet thinks they are, that's what LinkedIn thinks they are. And so I think that's a really big piece of it.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's that's and so how do you, you know, I mean, clearly I know a lot about your history. I'm not gonna say I know everything. Because clearly that you have experiences that I haven't been part of. Thank God. However, with that being said, you know, as you see your, I mean, you're going to be 20 next year. And so your teens are moving behind you. You start thinking about the people that are coming up, the people that you might have influence over. You're going to have a little sister coming soon for her sorority. Right?

SPEAKER_02 22:23

Oh, and I was like, what? Mom and Dad are going to say, what are you even talking about right now?

SPEAKER_00 22:30

We invited you on this podcast for a surprise. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

That actually made me nervous for a second. I was like, really? What? Okay, let me rephrase that. So in your sorority, we're going to have a little sister soon. And so if you could influence, and I'm not saying this is, you know, genuine, but if you could influence, what do you think that she would need to know? Not just coming into the sorority, but coming to the school for the first year.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Yeah, that was something that I do have to say, my sorority really helped me navigate because I genuinely do not think I would have as many connections, as many friends, and as many experiences as I had, I wouldn't have done those things because I don't think I would have been able to put myself out there enough. And I'm a very outgoing person. And I put myself out there tons. But being able to hand they hand you that opportunity to get out there. And so for me, I'll take that opportunity and I'll pursue it. So I think really, you know, whoever it is that I connect with and able is just to tell them to take every opportunity that they can because, you know, I would miss an opportunity because I just didn't feel like it. Or I just, you know, I just couldn't that day. And um then I would be sitting there as it's happening and as it's already too late for me to go. And I'd just be like, why didn't I do this? You know, I feel like this would have been really good for me. So just taking every opportunity you can, I think is really important.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

I I certainly, I mean, we've talked about I suffer from that. I don't take every opportunity I can because I'm more on the introverted side than the extroverted scale. And so the idea of somebody going, just take every opportunity you can. It's like, yeah, sounds good on paper.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Well, I'm the extroverted side of it, but I also struggle with that. I also am like, oh, I just can't do it today because I do feel like I entertain people a lot. And sometimes it's hard to do that all the time. Right. Because people expect something from you at the end of the day. And some days you just can't give it anymore. So then you're like, oh, well, I don't want to give it at all then if I can't give it to my full capability. So you just don't do it. But I think, you know, that's a flaw because again, going back to your true authentic self, you know, you should be able to show those days because everybody has those days and just everybody should be okay with it and not be like, oh, well, she was acting weird because this, that, and the third. And it's like, I just wasn't feeling it that day. And I don't think that's a flaw.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

Yeah. Yeah. Allowing, allowing two things to be true, right? We've talked about that a lot on the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think as it relates to relationships? Um, and we could we could talk dating relationships, uh, but it could be any relationship. Um, but let's, yeah, let's talk dating. That's more fun. You know, as it relates to dating, things are certainly different today than they were sure.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

You know, when when we were starting to be like, It was more formal when we first started to date. Yes. It's so casual.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Well, it's the downfall. And I want to learn more about this because I recently learned, so, you know, I I I know teenagers who have gone out on dates and maybe even a lot of dates, but it's not considered to be a relationship or a boyfriend-girlfriend situation until there's a formal asking that happens. And that was interesting to me to learn. It's like so casual to your point. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

I really think that dating now is such a difficult thing. And when you find a good person who is able to do those things for you, hold on to it, even if things get hard, which also has been one of my downfalls. Um but I think um I I even know people and it's like it's them feeling you out. And ultimately you're leaving a decision up to the other person whether, oh, you've taken me on these many days, but do I really like, do I really want to pursue something with you? And I guess that's good to be able to make that decision and experience things with people. But at the end of the day, it's like, I remember when I was in my first and only relationship, and um I was kind of just like waiting because we had been on dates, he had met my parents, and I was just like, is he my boyfriend though? Because nobody's said anything. And, you know, I hang out with him all the time and I do stuff with him every single day. I see him at school, and but I really don't know. And I don't know what he's telling his friends, what everybody else thinks. And it shouldn't matter, but it does. And so I remember one day after school, I was like waiting by the car and I was like, hey, like, are you gonna ask me to be your girlfriend? Or am I your girlfriend? And he was like, Yeah, like you're my girlfriend. And I was like, He just he assumed. Yeah. And I was like, okay, well, like, can you ask me? So because it's just a point if I don't want to be your girlfriend.

unknown 27:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Because I'm a very um, I the word just shot out of my head, but I'm a hopeless romantic for sure. Okay. And so I love old It's grand gestures. Yes. I did the little stuff too, just little romantic things mean the world.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

I just was waiting for the I love old movies. I do romantic, but they were going to be movies from like my teenage years. Well, is the notebook from your teenage years? Oh, I was probably in my 20s or 30s. So yeah. Older movies. Older movies. Oh my god, which as you know, I've never seen.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

And like you watch it, you can sit in the notebook and order movie.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

It's making me very sad. When when she said it, I was like waiting.

SPEAKER_02 28:17

I'm thinking like pretty in pink. Okay, not even that old and page. But the romantic movies now are again also so such a different display of love. Yes. Because, you know, romantic movies um in your 20s were more, you know, I'm actually in love with this person, I'm gonna do what it takes to love for them. Yeah. And you want hallmark love. Right. And growing up watching those things, that's that influenced my what I wanted to see in my partner. And so now I when somebody doesn't do those things for me or is not willing to, it breaks my heart, actually.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

That's when you move on to the next person that will do it. Because you deserve that. Yeah. And I mean, listen, we're not, I'm not gonna give you divide advice that I always give you. So I'm just gonna say it just this one time. If you don't set the expectations for somebody else and how they treat you, then they're just not going to. Yeah. And so you can have that storybook, but you have to require it.

SPEAKER_02 29:15

Yeah. And that's the thing. Like, I figured if I gave the love that I had that was very storybook as a woman, and I gave that love, I would automatically just receive it. Because I thought everybody just loved that hard. And everybody, you know, if you love somebody, this is gonna be the outcome. This is what they're gonna do for you. Yes. Which is probably just a false expectation. Um, so when, you know, reality caught up to me and I was like, oh, this is actually not how things work. And no matter how hard you love someone, you can't make them love you.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Yeah. So right, right. Or you can't make them love you the way you love. Exactly. Kind of people are who they are, and you just have to, if you love them, you just have to accept it. That's why don't fall in love first. Get them to do the things you need for them to do for you, then fall in love first.

SPEAKER_00 30:03

Yes. I'm very curious though. Um, do you feel like this uh kind of casual, I mean casualness, is that a word? I don't know. Um has come about, not to go back to social media, but do you think that there's a correlation between that and people not being able to kind of get to that depth of relationship as quickly, or if at all, as before?

SPEAKER_02 30:31

100%. I definitely feel that way strongly, actually. Okay. Um, I think because it is so easy, excuse me, to talk to people and especially guys, um, I think that it influences the ability to connect in real life and making things just easy to be like, oh, you know, I love you, or the uh I'm trying to find a better way to explain it, but I d I a hundred percent agree that it does.

SPEAKER_01 31:03

Do you think it's easier for somebody to say I love you when they don't really feel or mean it or even know what it means to love somebody because of what you're seeing?

SPEAKER_02 31:14

Okay, I do I think people have a obstructed view of love nowadays. Um and I think it's hard to judge what the right everybody loves different, but absolutely it's hard to be able to say, is this love? Is this not love? Does this person just like who I am and wants to be around me? Or does this person really, you know, care about who I am and love me no matter who, you know, what I'm trying to again put it into words, but it's it's a hard thing to put into words.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

It's a very hard construct.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

I'm so I'm curious to know if it would be helpful to think through what love is not first. Because you can easily recognize that, you know, and if if someone is portraying that behavior, like they're disrespectful to you, they're jealous, they're abusive in some way, you know, what are all the things that are red flags? Like this is definitely not love. And then the other things may be love. It's just their way of providing it or expressing it, and it might be different than yours. Yeah. Um, I don't know. For me, uh in my brain, that would be easier to kind of decipher, you know.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

Um, and also having more than one relationship helps. Yeah. Not that you want to compare people to each other, because people, to your point, you've said it a few times. People love the way they love, whatever. But having more than one experience really does change your perspective. And so, and I'm not saying that you should go out and just like really date around. But what I am saying is, you know, because you've had this one really good series, and I know there wasn't all good, but serious experience, it's a great, uh it's a great place to start. And it's almost like buying a house. The first house you buy, you know, you've got two bedrooms and you really feel like I should have gotten a third. Or so the next house you buy has a third, but you don't have a pantry. And so the next house you get a pantry. And I know that sounds like an oversimplification, but you it is truthful. You start thinking about this one relationship and all the things, as much as you love the person, I really wish he would be open to going out more because I hate just being home all the time. And so the next relationship, they love to go out, but they don't kiss very good. And we really love kissing, and you can teach them in all the things, but then the next person, you know, maybe has all of those things, or you love them so much it doesn't matter. Yeah. Right. And so it just evolves. But if you're only in one, and again, there's plenty of people that have only been in one relationship and it's good and it's wonderful. I just feel like having some, you know, additional experiences just helps.

SPEAKER_02 33:59

I definitely I hear you and I understand, but it's like especially loving the way that I love. I see past it all because I'm like, I can love you through anything and we can work on this and we can build this away where it's like. They also have to be willing to yes, exactly. But that person has to be willing to build the love and make sure, you know, it's on a tight structure. Um, but going back to what you said, um, which I think is really important. I'm sorry, it just making the list saying this is what levels are. I think because of social media and not just because, but people who do have those red flags and have those traits, um, they can they tend to be like, oh, well, I disrespect you when I'm angry because I love you so much. Yeah, and that's and you know that's not okay, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:51

So that's part of the, yes, that's what you see on social media. Like, well, this happened, but he loves me. Exactly. And so I I've seen that as well. And I I think to what Maria's, you know, I saying as far as knowingless, for me, it's your values. Like, what are the things that are so important to you that are non-negotiables? Yeah. And once that person who says they love you so much starts violating that, whether it's verbal abuse, physical abuse, or just quite frankly, doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated, that has to be your hard and fast line. So you can love somebody so much, but they can never do those things for you. And so you have to decide, we have to decide as you know, whether it's male, female, whatever, you have to decide what those values are that are non-negotiable and then stick to it, which is so.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

It is very hard, very hard. And what you were talking about, I feel like I can love them through it or we can work on this. And it is important that they're open to it. But have you heard the phrase, don't fall in love with potential. Yes. Um gosh, it's so true because it's so easy to see what that person could be and then you stay longer than you. That's what they can, that's what they are capable of. Yeah. And I think knowing the difference between those two is really, is really important. Yeah, very important. Yeah. Um so what else? Is there anything, you know, this has been a great conversation. What do you wish?

SPEAKER_01 36:12

So, I mean, obviously you and I have a lot of conversations. So I'm gonna just throw myself into this. You know, what do you wish that I could, as a older person, that I could do differently or understand more or stop? You know, I heard you loud and clear when you said sometimes just listen. Yeah. You know, don't automatically move into advice mode, which is so hard for me, even when you were talking today immediately. So I was like, sitting on my hands. But other than that, or in addition to that, what are other things that would be really helpful for not just you, but even your peers that you see their parents or their older friends doing that may be helpful for us to know?

SPEAKER_02 36:53

I think it definitely depends on the person. Because me personally, I I sure have my my own answer about just listening and just trying your best to understand that this is serious and it's not just a like, yes, it is just a stage in your life, but it feels like the only stage in your life at that moment. So being able to look at that person and say, like everybody says it'll get better or it'll go past this. Sometimes that's not enough because it doesn't feel like it will get better, and it doesn't feel like time will continue to do it. So what does that feel like minimizing? That's a good question. Again, it just I think it depends on the person, but I think it just all goes back to listening and just being like, I hear you. And I I want you to know that I I may not understand, but I hear you and I'm here for you, and you know.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

I think that is probably the only thing that we can do, right? And if I was asked the same question and I wasn't put on answered anyway, I would say No, I'm asking you right now. Oh, thank you. That's helpful. That you know, kids don't come with a rule book and or a guide book. And as adults, you know, yes, we went through it, and as you pointed out so eloquently, it was different. And so my hope is that you understand and that all understand that when they go to their parents or an aunt or uncle or trusted friend or whatever, that you understand we're just floundering through it too. Like we don't have the answers, and we love you so much that we want to have the answers for you. And that's why we F it up constantly because we just want to be what you need and we don't always know how, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Well, not to toot your own horn or whatever, but she's like, please do. Um You have been one of the most uh one of the most easy people that I can have an outlet for, and you make it really easy to feel understood, to feel seen, to feel heard. And that's very important. So if you know you as a young adult can find somebody that way, I think that's really beneficial. Yeah. Well, you make it easy too.

SPEAKER_03 39:07

Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

This has been such a great conversation. Thank you so much. Not only for agreeing to do this, but also being very open with us and vulnerable and putting yourself out there because I feel like I did learn something, not just about you, but you know, what I could maybe do differently. And, you know, some of my friends can do differently with their own kids. And so I think this is really helpful. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 39:33

It was a great conversation. I feel like we could probably continue this all day. So thank you guys for having me.

SPEAKER_02 39:38

I mean, I actually did just think about one more thing as understanding that you were a teenager once and you also did some things, you know, your parents wouldn't like or and but just being able to experience those things because I think it's very important. I know that my parents were were pretty strict for the majority of my life. And um, you know, once they loosened up and I really got to experience new things, that was a really big moving point in my life that I needed. So I think that's also just another thing that was really important. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

The tighter the reins, the harder it is to grow and you know become who you're supposed to be. Or the sneakier the kid. I know other than it's so hard. I see them. Put them in a bubble bubble.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

I know that's not the right thing, but man, is that top? Yeah, that is tough. You're gonna match. You're totally right.

SPEAKER_01 40:28

But yeah, for sure. So, I mean, thank you. Yes, thank you. Um, this has been a wonderful episode. We appreciate you joining us. Um, Maria and I um are always humbled when people agree to be part of the conversation because we know sometimes we can go um, you know, it's it's so self-serving in the conversation. Like it's things we want to know. And so thank you for taking this ride with us.

SPEAKER_00 40:54

Yes, yes, yes, yes. As always, please comment, share, like, subscribe, all of the things, and of course, join us back here next time for another episode. Until then, bye. Bye.