What Would You Do? From Tragedy to Who Picks Up the Check

What would you do… really?

Not the polished answer. Not the “right” answer. The real one.

In this episode, Maria and Jeanine start with a heavy story, a tragic accident, a split-second decision, and a question that doesn’t have a clean answer. Then they follow it somewhere unexpected.

Because once you start asking “what would you do if…,” it turns into everything.

They talk about intention vs. consequence, and how hard it is to draw a clear line when life gets messy. As one of them puts it, “Where is the line? I don’t know where the line is.”

And then, just like real life, the conversation shifts.

Suddenly it’s about splitting the dinner bill, feeling “cheap,” and that weird moment when the check hits the table and no one knows what to do. 

Then it goes even deeper, into honesty.

When someone asks for feedback, do you tell the truth if it might hurt? Or do you soften it? Or stay quiet?

There are no perfect answers here. Just real ones.

Some heavy. Some funny. All very human.

Tune in, you’re going to see yourself in this one.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Brain's Commodore. We're happy to have you with us. We are excited for today. We are changing things up a little bit. Unfortunately, Janine and I are not in the same place as we normally are, but we are in spirit for sure. We are. Technology allows us to have these fun conversations no matter where in the world we are. And so we're happy to have you along with us as always.

SPEAKER_04 0:28

Nice to have you, Janine. Yes. Well, actually, it's nice to have you, Maria, because I'm in the studio. So I'm having you. I do regret having you across the table from me, but it's still nice. I can see your face. And so it's good to still have a conversation. Um we are kind of spoiled though. We do talk to each other weekly, kind of like this. And so it feels it feels the same, but so different.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

It feels very different, actually. I'm I'm not sure if I like it yet. We'll have to see if I'm able to get used to it. I, you know, things feel so discombobulated. We had some technology issues getting here. I'm having a very weird hair day today.

SPEAKER_04 1:10

I don't agree. I think it looks great. It's very shiny.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

I woke up this morning and I literally took a picture of it, which I will share with you privately. I had this spot on the side of my head, about right here. It literally looked like a mouse had made a bed in my hair. Like this. And it was so bad. Maybe kind of like a big ball of something on this side of my head. It was so hilarious. I took a picture of it and then I brushed it and brushed it and brushed it and tried straightening it. What did you do? And then I just realization that I just needed to wash my hair again. So I did. Wow.

SPEAKER_04 1:50

So it was so ratty that you literally had to wash it again.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Yes. Oh my goodness. How then I ended up with this, which it's very, I don't know, I don't know what it's doing today. But anyway. Did you feel restless last night? Not that I can recall. Not anymore.

SPEAKER_04 2:07

I mean, that's a lot of friction.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Well, I mean we should just stop there. Back to where it came from. Um, not pointing any fingers, but my my boyfriend, who you know, uh is kind enough to oftentimes play with my hair as I'm falling asleep. Uh but he can be a little aggressive with it. And I think so.

SPEAKER_04 2:34

He created a rat's nest in your hair. I just can't, I just can't. So much so that he fit.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

I think in the picture this morning and he responded to me. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_04 2:48

You should have put it in our three-way chat. Like that. I'm I'm bummed that I I missed the the opportunity to have that kind of conversation.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Uh, I know. I know, I know.

SPEAKER_04 2:58

It's never too much. Anyway, anyway. Well, I'm excited about this, Maria. I'm excited that we get to try it a different way because um what our listeners don't know is we try to record several at the same time, because when you're here, we try to take advantage of it. And so if this works, and I hope that it does, even though I'd love for you to be, you know, in Jacksonville more. Um, but if it works, then it does give us an opportunity to record differently, maybe record more. Um, I like to toy with recording on location, which may mean, you know, sitting somewhere tropical with a tropical beverage while we're recording an episode. So, you know.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Well, that sounds lovely, but I will say to you, if you do that, I better be next to you when that recording is happening.

SPEAKER_03 3:44

That's a good point. I'll be sitting somewhere tropical and you're sitting there in his office while you were on the beach recording.

SPEAKER_04 3:53

Okay. That's that's a deal. I will make that deal with you. Okay, all right, good. Okay, I see the ladies' retreat coming soon. Exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Uh so what are we talking about today?

SPEAKER_04 4:08

I, you know what? This is a fun topic. Um, I'd like to say a little bit about the evolution and why we landed here, if that's okay. So I'm not gonna tell the story, although you can choose to tell the story. Um, but Maria shared a news story with me that was very impactful. And um, my my um reaction was, oh, I I just I don't know if we can tell that story. It's just so um it's heavy. And not that we don't talk about heavy topics, but we do tend to, you know, try to err on the lighter side or at least find ways to lighten things up. And it just felt just so heavy because it really is an impactful story. And so what it evolved into is um the short version is there was a um an accident that happened and somebody passed as a result of the accident. The intention behind it was supposed to be fun and whatever, and it was kind of like a prank gone wrong, and a person died, and their spouse does not want to prosecute the the teenagers involved because she knew what the intention was. And so the evolution of the conversation was what would you do? Like if something like that happened, would you want to prosecute? Which then became our today's topic, which is what would you do if? And so we came up with, and I don't know what Maria has, and she doesn't know what I have, but we came up with some topics for one another to to review in that what would you do if kind of scenario. And so did I did I do the story justice without getting too deep? Uh you can go deep.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

You did. You actually you told it perfectly without gutting our hearts today. Um, it was a news story and it was a recent one. Some of the listeners may actually have heard of it. And Janine, since you and I had that conversation, I have since learned that the authorities have decided not to press charge or not to press charges.

SPEAKER_04 6:06

I am glad to hear that. I am glad to hear that.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

So um, yeah, as Janine had said, there was a prank gone wrong and uh there terrible, horrible accidents and someone died. And uh I just I couldn't stop thinking about it when I heard of it because I just think of all of the dumb decisions that we've all made as teenagers. Absolutely. Things that we have done that could have ended poorly, but didn't, or maybe in some cases they did. Uh and and just having, on my end, such sadness and empathy, I guess, for sure. Specifically one of the teenagers who was really the one who, I mean, they're all gonna live with this the rest of their lives, period. Yeah. And so whether or not they're prosecuted, put in jail, and so forth, they are going to live with this the rest of their lives. And I just, I just feel so terrible for everyone involved. Uh, and so yeah, that's how this all got started. And I hope that this conversation goes somewhere a little bit more light. But me too. Me too. I think we'll have a little bit of fun with this, but that's kind of the origin story behind it.

SPEAKER_04 7:24

So, in that scenario, or in a scenario like that, where um an accident happened, something terribly tragic happened, um, we both we probably already showed our hands because we were talking about, you know, you gave the follow-up, which is awesome, and I'm I'm happy about it, and I know you're happy about it. And so if you were the spouse, how how would you feel? I mean, your your husband passed, and now, you know, whatever your situation is, you are now a widow. And somebody caused it, somebody caused his death. And so what would you do?

SPEAKER_00 8:03

What would you have done? I I I've thought about that a lot, and I I don't know the answer. I I would like to think I'd feel the same way that she does, and the same way that I do, which is this was a terrible mistake. Uh certainly an accident based on what happened. Um the thing that I think is a varying factor in this is that they had so the teenagers involved and the person who passed away had a relationship. And it was a relationship that was fun, it was friendly, um, they knew one another well. And so I think that it may, that may depend on whether or not that relationship existed prior to this happening. That's true. I think because I think because it did, she was able to have more empathy and she cares for these kids in some way, potentially. I don't know. But uh, if they were just strangers, I it may be different.

SPEAKER_04 9:08

I I agree. Um, you and I have this conversation all the time about intention. And so understanding intention really makes a difference. And because she had backstory, because like you said, she knew the kids and um their intention again was good. And he, the man who passed, also knew their intention. And so again, it was a series of accidents. Um it was an accident that created this. But so what if, Maria, so it's a stranger that um, you know, causes somebody you love to pass. And that story of the stranger, you know, maybe it's documented somewhere. Maybe, you know, he was gonna try this new prank out or whatever, and and you know, you can find out that this is what the end was supposed to be, even though this is what happened. So it's documented somewhere. It's not like you're just trying to believe him because he tells you the story, it's literally documented somewhere. And so you don't know him. The end is the same. What would you do?

SPEAKER_00 10:11

When you say documented somewhere, do you mean there was an elaborate premeditated plans?

SPEAKER_04 10:16

Yes. So um, you know, there's all these little teen prank shows on YouTube and everywhere else. And so maybe it's one of those well-known, you know, pranky guys and they or gals, and they talk about, oh, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to jump scare someone wearing a Mickey Mouse costume, and your spouse or boyfriend or whatever has a bad heart. And so they do the jump scare and they're like, and then they're done. Stop.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

That is so tough. I know, right? Like you know, I think know that I go back and forth on this because again, it's like where's the line? I don't know where the line is. You mentioned intention, which is super important. There's also that side where you know, there there need to be consequences for actions. And sometimes things are unintended, but there still needs to be consequences behind them. And I don't know what that line is.

SPEAKER_04 11:19

You know, I really don't. You get to make this line, you get to decide, you get to go, hey, dude, you should have never worn a mouse because my significant other is definitely afraid of mice. And, you know, now you became the king of all mice and you know, scared. Like you get to decide. This doesn't work if you don't decide.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

I absolutely have to decide. I'm not even sure how to communicate what the line would be. You know what I mean? I really don't know how to communicate that. So I scare my mother all the time, who we all know is there are people in my family who do that kind of thing all the time, and there's absolutely no way. So, in your situation, in the situation that you just gave, what if the person didn't know they had a heart issue, but this event caused them to have or the heart issue kind of never exacerbated, or they became aware of it because of this situation.

SPEAKER_04 12:23

You know, right, it could have a great end. Of course, I said they were dead, but um, you know, that wouldn't have a great end.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

But yeah. You can't always know, but you have to decide just to be able to do that. I don't think we can. I don't think we can. I don't know. I I don't know how you could possibly draw a line in the sand that's clear for every situation. I think it's situation dependent. It is situation dependent. And I gave you a situation. In that situation, I don't have an answer right now. I got to do that. You have to make one.

SPEAKER_04 13:02

You have to, you have to. We can't spend the entire episode going to depend. What would you do? I would absolutely hope that, because like as I'm looking at it logically, there was no intention behind it. There's no way that could have known that, you know, dressing like a big old oversized mouse was going to have this kind of impact. And so, you know, my hope as a sane person would be that that person who's grieving would have the ability to walk through it and go, okay, this was a terrible, terrible accident. Now, if on the other hand he came with a weapon, came with a knife or a gun or whatever, that's a different story. That's a very scary, you know, potential consequence. A mouse suit, you know, we go to Disney and people are dressed in character and kids are terrified, not all kids, but kids are terrified. Kids are terrified of Santa. You know, no, I'm not gonna sit in his lap. And so we have that, you know, experience. So for me, you know, like I said, I'd hope I'd be logical enough. I know grief does really um tricky things for people. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

And as we as we know, there's a stage of grief called anger. Forcing. You know, and I think it that in that space, revenge is probably something that people think about a lot in those situations. Um I mean, generally speaking, I know I'm having a hard time kind of figuring out where I would land in your situation, but I think generally speaking, I would like to believe that I would land on the side of empathy and understanding and giving some sort of allowance for it being a horrible mistake. I would like to think that. That was that so hard. It was hard, apparently. My bad hair day is messing with my thought process.

SPEAKER_04 15:00

And you are not having a bad hair day. I I mean you obviously had a nest earlier, but right now it's it's perfect. It's perfect. So in thinking through that, that you know, situation, like it's a forgiveness, it's a question of forgiveness. You know, I have definitely seen news stories where um a parent um forgives the person who heinously killed their child. You know, there wasn't a jump scare, it was an intentional act where they kill their child and then they do this act of forgiveness of that person. I don't know that I could do that.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

I'd like to think over time, you know, I'm a good enough person, but I I don't know if I'm that big of a person at this point in my life. And all honesty, as a mother, I cannot comprehend that. Yeah uh nor do I want to.

SPEAKER_04 15:55

Absolutely. I don't want to spend too much time thinking about that either. Um, I just just the acknowledgement that I know that there's people in this world that have such a capacity for forgiveness. Um, I'm not sure I'm one of them. I'd like to believe that I am, but I I'm not sure that I am. So okay, so forgiveness, we both want to be um benevolent. We both want to be the kinds of people that um, you know, understand intention. There is a big depends factor, you know, on what the situation is. Um, but from a forgiveness perspective, we'd love to believe that we can be and have a forgiving heart. So what scenario do you believe that? I would love to believe that.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

What scenario do I have? Yes. Well, I mean, yours, uh I yeah, how do we come out of that? That was dark. Um, so let's go light. Let's find find something light. Okay. So let's see. I have one that I actually it was interesting because I had this on my list and then it came up in my feed today recently. Someone else mentioning this. And this is a very simple one. Um so when I was younger and my girlfriends and I would go out to lunch or to dinner or something, it was a given and under it was easily understood and accepted that each of us paid for our own meal. So we would get separate checks. As I have gotten older, or as time has gone by, I'm not sure if it's one and the same. That has seemed to change where I have started taking on a feeling like I need to be the one paying the bill. And it almost feels really awkward to go out to eat with others and to ask for separate checks. It almost feels like I'm being rude or like we're being rude. Um, I do still have a group, a group of girlfriends who I've been going out to eat with for probably 25 years at this point. And we have not changed the splitting of the bill, let's do separate checks thing. It just has never changed. But as other people have come into my life, it seems like I've taken on this other role. Right. And that's right, I think my doing. Um, but I guess so. In my feed, the way it came up, there was this woman who had posted that her teenage daughter, who's really on a tight budget, had gone out to eat with her friends. She ordered a salad and a Coke. And her friends had gotten like appetizers and full meals and drinks and all of this stuff. And when the bill came, they all said, well, let's just split it evenly, you know, amongst both of us. So her daughter was feeling, of course, slighted because she was being intentional about only ordering what she needed and paying for what she wanted. And so the woman was asking the question, what would you do in this situation? And I had already been thinking about this, which is, um, what's your perspective on this? What would you do if you went out to eat? And has this happened to you where you know you've maybe had something a lot less expensive? Maybe you're not a drinker, so you've had no alcohol, but the people you're with, they have. And you know that their bill is going to be quite a lot more than yours, but they do this thing of let's split it evenly. Or and or do you feel responsible for just picking up the whole tab?

SPEAKER_04 19:26

Mm-hmm. Um, so first of all, how do you manage? I'd be absolutely remiss if I didn't acknowledge that there's this whole friends episode about this. Oh, really? There is.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

And because I've seen every Friends episode. I'm surprised I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 19:41

Once I say this, you'll know. So three of them were um, they did well. Monica was a chef, Ross had a real job like a paleontologist, and Chandler had the job as the data monster. Um, anyway. And then Phoebe, of course, Phoebe, Joey struggling actor, and Rachel was doing the waitressing gig before she started doing whatever. And so they'd go, like everybody's birthday, they do if somebody got a promotion. So, and they had this whole discussion about like, we don't have that kind of money. And so they went somewhere, the six of them, and Rachel got like, I'll just have the breadsticks, you know, that was already on the table. Joey ordered a salad, and he was like, Joey's eating a salad, and Phoebe, I don't remember which she got. So when it came around and goes, All right, so we'll just split it like six ways. And they were like, What do you mean we're gonna split it? And Chandler's like, You're right, we're here to celebrate you, Monica. We're gonna split it five ways. And they were like, No, like we had they were like, Oh, okay. So, anyway, and not to talk about friends because we could just have a podcast about friends, quite frankly. But um, so I have been in that situation and I also recognize what you're saying, that it does feel like there was a time where it was just commonplace that everybody gets their own bill, and now it's either I'll get you next time, or you know, it's this go back and forth, or one person predominantly pays all the time. I don't know when that happened. Um, but I have been in situations where I've been with a group and they try to do that split the check thing, and not because I deliberately chose to get like less or maybe I didn't drink that particular time, maybe I was DD'd, like whatever it was. And I've actually said that like I said I didn't drink anything. So let me just throw in 20 bucks and then you guys, you know, figure out the rest from there. Um, which, you know, it's easier with people that you're closer with. But if it's a bunch of people that you don't know very well, I could see it would be really awkward. Um, you do pro like there's a preponderance of the time where you pick up the check. And I've said, like, what are you doing? Like, what, like, oh, it's work or it's this or what's that. And so I didn't realize you do that in other places in your life. And so you need to adopt that. Um, but with my other girlfriends too, you know. So I went out with my girlfriend Wendy recently, and her birthday was in January, and we just went out in March. And so we were paying. And then I was like, no, no, no, wait, let me get you. And she was like, why are you doing this? Because January was your birthday and we didn't, we usually, you know, do that. But other than that, I do try to do the, you know, I've got mine, let two checks, but it feels very awkward. It feels very awkward. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Yeah. And it shouldn't. And so the awkwardness in yours in that situation, what is that awkwardness about that you can point me? I feel cheap. I feel cheap. Yeah. Or like you're saying, or like you're saying, I'm not going to pay for hers. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:35

But why like why shouldn't it be a thing that you're going to hers? You know what I mean? I just, you know, listen, I wish I was independently wealthy. I wish that every time I went out with people, I could just pay for everybody's meal. Like that would make me very happy to be able to do that. But that's not, that's just not the reality that I live in. And so, you know, there shouldn't be any shame and it feels like it, it feels like shame that I can't afford to, you know, pick up somebody else's meal. Like what the hell?

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Yeah. Like gosh, that makes me feel so bad. So so let's put this in a context of you are meeting a new work connection. Okay. Maybe someone who you've spoken to before and you like this isn't just making a face. Yeah. So it's someone you've spoken to you kind of know and you decide that you're going to go out to lunch. It's not someone you know really well as the point you made earlier. And they bring one check. What would you do?

SPEAKER_04 23:35

I mean what should I do is probably different from what I would do. I think it depends on did I invite them because I'm trying to you know make friends or like a work connection where I think they can get me some business. You know, I don't know. I I do think there's a there's a little bit of it depends. And if I do think that there's some future opportunity there, I might just like, oh no, I've got it like it's fine. And then in the car like you idiot after that. But you know there should not be we need to destigmatize and like put into everybody's oh two checks please yes yes back to one of our former episodes where we talked about the uncomfortable seating in restaurants.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

Yes. So this is going to be another PSA to restaurants. Give separate checks. Or at least you know ask. Is this two checks? And some places do. At least they give you an option. You know yes.

SPEAKER_04 24:33

Yeah. I I don't know Maria but I'm glad to hear you talk about it in the same way that this this like I I'll be honest I haven't consciously thought about it other than when I'm sitting in the restaurant. There's that moment that comes I'm I'm not going to name names but there's a person that periodically and we're we're still like building a friendship and we periodically you know we'll meet for lunch. And I do think about it all the time that you know maybe I should be picking up the tab um when the check is coming so before it comes and then if it's one check, you know she's really good though, because she really quickly goes no two checks please. And it doesn't seem like it bothers her. I don't know if it does or doesn't but I know I have that moment when I see them coming is there going to be two checks or is it one? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

I think we're the only ones who think this way.

SPEAKER_04 25:21

I don't imagine we are and we've never talked about it before.

SPEAKER_00 25:25

I know I will tell you um I have this friend from childhood who I adore but we hardly ever see each other and we had gone like 10 or 15 years without seeing each other. And she reached out to me actually after seeing one of our episodes about friendship she reached out to me and we met for dinner and I she's funny to be you and she always makes me laugh and at the very beginning now we haven't seen each other for 10 or 15 years we sit down and she said I have something to ask you like okay she goes will you let me pay for dinner and what did you say? I I I said I did let her pay but um I kind of appreciated her willingness to just go there so quickly because then we didn't have to worry about that whole you know right there's nothing awkward at the end.

SPEAKER_04 26:15

And don't get me wrong I love when people pay for my meal. I really do. I love it. And so you know if if if you're listening and we go out to have dinner, lunch, coffee, drinks and you want to pay thank you. Please offer to pay please offer because I really will at the end I'm going to get better at this and ask for separate checks. Now there are people that I always feel like I need to pay for my mom my the kids my nephews and nieces and then um I've got a couple of girlfriends in my life that um I just always feel like I need to pay for for whatever reason. You know some of it's age I've just known them for so long and they're you know younger than I am or they've they have you know different struggles than I do. And so from those perspectives and then there's other people I want them to always pay for me always take care of me. So anyway.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

All right. Yeah that's a good one. I don't know if we solve for anything except for maybe we're both going to leave this getting better about asking for separate checks. And I'm interested for the from the audience's perspective if you're listening or watching put in the comments and let us know do you struggle with this?

SPEAKER_04 27:32

I'd be interested how do you yeah like how do you approach from yeah why should we always have an expectation that either somebody else is going to pay for us or we're going to pay for them we're not dating and you know maybe that's the other topic like in dating do you expect the man to always or whatever like whatever your significant other is do you always expect for them to pay? So I'm a female I date men and so I think I do have an expectation that he's going to pay. I will say that on dates that I've been on where I've not felt like it's you know like I don't ever want to see them again, I always offer to split checks.

SPEAKER_00 28:09

Always let's just split it yeah like if I'm not hey this is anyone who's you just gave away your secret probably true. Not doing so well.

SPEAKER_04 28:22

Yeah. If I'm like friend zone like this isn't going anywhere. But it shouldn't be that way truthfully because why should if if I am interested in them why should I want them to pay me like I mean pay for me. I don't know it's it's such a weird weird dynamic.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

We all make our own money you know if you can't afford to go out don't yeah so I will say and just answer that one quickly before we move on um I so you know I've been with my boyfriend now over seven years and we live together all of the things uh we are pretty good about sharing the costs for things like when we go out and that sort of thing um I will say I appreciate it a lot even if I'm the one who ends up paying I still appreciate when he offers so I think there's something in like any expectation that that I don't I wouldn't like and I don't normally ever feel that way with him thankfully sure um but I like the offer like offer he calls it it's so funny because sometimes you know he'll go to pay and I'll be like reaching for my wallet and he'll be like nice fumble. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:40

I would I like it when he at least fumbles too you know at least right well interesting interesting okay I think I I do think that whole dynamic of pay is a very um I think depending on what how you feel about money and how you experience money um certainly can make things awkward or easy. Right? Like depending where you're sitting either it's going to be an awkward or it's going to be an easy like you just don't think about it. So like that's true.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:14

Yeah that's true. So okay I have one for you.

SPEAKER_00 30:19

One more and then we're gonna wrap this up.

SPEAKER_03 30:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 30:22

So I think this one is easy. I and I think I know kind of where you'd get in where you would um go on this. Um what would you do if somebody asked you for feedback and the honest answer would hurt them.

SPEAKER_00 30:40

This was on my list too you know why it was on my list and I'm gonna digress for one second. Because I feel like I'm having a bad hair day today it reminded me how recently I asked you if you thought I should get bangs. And then I went through this whole thing and you said yes and I went through this whole thing of what if I get bangs and they look really bad how will Janine react to that I was literally thinking like what would you do if my bangs looked really bad.

SPEAKER_04 31:09

Well so true confession time I actually thought you had done it because it was very specific in that yeah a good side swept bang would be because I don't think you know you having a fringe like this makes sense but a good because you do tend to like pull your hair to the side you always you know have a similar and so when you first joined and the way your hair was I thought that you had done it. And so I was like oh and I I even did this and then you're like we'll talk about it later.

unknown 31:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 31:41

So I think because I don't play poker and we've had this conversation before that if you had come in here with like a heavy fringe I don't know I'm like looking at you now and thinking maybe that would actually look good. And in just whatever it was and it just looked terrible I'd go okay I mean so you tried it so it's just hair.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

It'll grow back.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

It will grow back we hope this is actually this topic touches on a lot of other things for me because you know how you and I have talked about lying and white lies and that sort of thing. So this kind of like touches on that a little bit for I agree. I think part of it to go back to your question would be how well do I know this person? How much do I care about how they feel um have I given them tough feedback before are they a person who can take it without getting really upset and if if it was just someone who I wasn't sure of all of those things I would try to get very creative with my response you know I don't know I mean what's a situation give me in a situation um I think we can just jeans like there there are certain questions you should not ask if you don't want to know the answer.

SPEAKER_04 33:16

Well let's use let's use the bangs and it's not you know should I get the bangs? So you've gotten the bangs and nobody around you is making any comments on the bangs. They're just acting as if right so nothing's changed whatever. Do you will you automatically assume that they don't because they're not saying anything that they don't like the bang.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

Absolutely and then will you pick a person to ask about your bangs or will you just not gonna say anything either if no one is saying anything that is a clear dead giveaway that they don't like it. And I would not ask anybody because I wouldn't already know. Especially like even just taking the two of us like if you didn't say anything about my new bangs I know that you don't like my new bangs. Silence would you want me to say something if I did even if I didn't like them would you want me to say something I think I I think I would I mean I wouldn't intentionally try to hurt your feelings from you specifically because we have a relationship I think I would want to know the level of disgust you're feeling about the banks like should I just you know hide under the covers for the next six weeks until they grow back wear hats or yes I would appreciate some brainstorming with you to help me kind of figure out how to work through this as they grow back.

SPEAKER_04 34:46

You know uh I don't know yeah are there some cases where I would want someone to lie to me about it maybe I would say if you I just I just don't see you ever wanting anybody to lie about anything maybe just not comment on it but to like deliberately lie because what if like so let's use your bangs. So what if like they look terrible and me and Lee like talk about it like we text and we're like oh God those those bangs are terrible we're gonna have to like just like united front we're all gonna say that it's they're great. And then you go to get your haircut again and you keep get it keeping those bangs. That's great.

SPEAKER_00 35:30

That's right so this goes back to we talked about on one of our other episodes uh someone that you know drawing on their eyebrows in a really terrible way and your niece saying maybe she likes it that way.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

Right.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

So I don't know I think what I was going to say is it's one of those things where if the bangs are that bad I know they're that bad. It's like someone yeah or like uh not to go back to like the whole is does my butt look big thing, but like a person like if I've gained weight I know I've gained weight you don't have to tell me I've gained weight. Right. I had that experience one time when I was in my 20s where a close family member um I was feeling really down about myself and thinking like how am I going to you know get through get through this get healthier and I said I made the comment you know I've gained so much weight and she said yeah you really have yeah and I was like I mean that was over 20 years ago and I still remember it. Yes, right. It stands out. See there's absolutely no benefit that comes from pointing out something like that. That's obviously someone can someone can already see about themselves. So I don't know if the bangs would be in that same category. I mean I do think it would be what benefit would it have to say those bangs are bad.

SPEAKER_04 36:54

But what if instead it was I'm glad that you did that it's helpful to you know have different styles of having the same hairstyle for you know whatever I'm not sure that you know maybe you want to play with the length maybe you want to do this maybe grow it out a little bit maybe there's an opportunity to say something like that.

SPEAKER_00 37:12

You're really good at this.

SPEAKER_04 37:14

You are very good with with being creative with your words and I can take you would do it in such a way that it would not you would not feel hurtful with a lot of having said though Maria I can be hurtful I can say right and I'm thinking about my mom's a great example. So when my mom gets her hair done I don't say anything. And it's not because it looks bad it looks good it looks this it's just it's always the same you know so she's no longer coloring her hair and I think the gray looks great on her. And so it's the same. But then like an hour or a day later she'd be like well what do you think of my haircut? And I'm like oh yeah it looks I mean it's what exactly this looks and so I struggle and I can't be creative. Like that's when I just don't have the energy for creativity when it looks the same. Sorry mom I mean that's the word and with that being said because of the kind of hair that I have I could get short, long somewhere in the middle layers, non-layers it always looks the same. It's like a cartoon where somebody goes in and they get it buzz cut and then they come out and it's like it's the exact same hair they had when they walked in that is my hair like I've got this weird bang thing happening today and I don't have bangs. So where did this come from? Like I don't know. And so anyway yes creativity I like that though I I I think for you in particular that lie thing even though it's couched in a what would you do and it would hurt them would be challenging.

SPEAKER_00 38:54

Yeah that side note um I my boyfriend's coming up in this again because and and the reason I'm kind of on the fence with this he will tell me it does not matter if I look like death he will be like you are so beautiful and I said I'm sorry guys well I it is yes and I said to him one time I said I because it feels to me like sometimes he tells me I'm beautiful when I'm the ugliest more often. And and I said to him I said to him I swear sometimes that you got a tip from someone earlier in your life that said anytime your girl looks really ugly you should tell her she's beautiful and his response I can't remember.

SPEAKER_04 39:44

I think he just laughed but um I mean I'm okay with it I guess I think I don't know like I honestly I can't ever imagine right now I can see that I do not look beautiful I can't imagine there's a time that you don't like there's you just have a natural beauty so regardless of what's going on you could feel like death and you know that shows you know when you just like feel that way but anyway. No Janine so you want the truth nothing but the truth but you want it creative.

SPEAKER_00 40:15

I feel like sometimes do you yes yes um were you a Seinfeld fan yes there's like I seven pieces of it there's a Seinfeld episode where I think George is dating this woman and I think it's George I can't recall maybe it was Jerry and depending on the lighting she either looks like a basically a supermodel or she looks like a a troll like it's hilarious. And he's like okay I kind of remember that yeah yeah yeah it's hilarious. But anyway um so it was fun so that's what was the outcome of this conversation it depends what would you do it depends so all of these are it depends all of them that is really what we're saying. It is lame but you know it is what it is as they say but nothing else maybe we'll hear from our audience so their feelings on these situations.

SPEAKER_04 41:12

I would love to or even scenarios that they want us to bat back and forth about this. But that one in particular um just thinking about the pay the check I really want to hear from people on that because I do feel it's evil it's evolved like something has happened somewhere along the way we can't be the only ones feeling like this. So yeah I'd love to hear from people glad to know you feel this way.

SPEAKER_00 41:37

I really yeah I I I'm glad we talked about it.

SPEAKER_04 41:40

Don't get me wrong though I want you to keep paying don't worry I will if that's where we land I'm in so this was fun this was a lot of fun I like I like this I still again I wish you were across from me instead of on you I'm looking forward to being across from you again but meantime this is fine.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

But great conversation thank you everyone for joining us on another episode of Brains Gone Bold if you enjoyed this again we really want to hear from you and your thoughts on these different scenarios that we talked about here today um some of them dark some of them more fun please like subscribe comment share all of the things that we actually ever yes and we look forward to having you here with us next time thank you guys bye bye